Lowering High Self-Expectations: Finding Balance for Better Well-Being

We live in a world that often places great value on achievement, success, and perfection. From school to work, social media to personal goals, there’s constant pressure to be the best, to do more, and to constantly outperform ourselves and others. While striving for excellence can be motivating, setting high self-expectations can sometimes take a toll on our well-being.

In this blog, we’ll explore why high self-expectations can be harmful, the signs that you might be putting too much pressure on yourself, and practical ways to lower those expectations to create a more balanced, fulfilling life.

Why High Self-Expectations Can Be Harmful

Having high standards for yourself can be a double-edged sword. On one hand, setting ambitious goals can propel you to achieve great things. On the other hand, unrealistic or overly stringent expectations can lead to stress, burnout, and a constant feeling of disappointment when those goals aren’t met.

Here’s why high self-expectations can be harmful:

1. Perfectionism and Unachievable Goals

When you set perfectionist standards, you’re setting yourself up for failure because perfection is an impossible standard to maintain. When your worth becomes tied to flawless performance, the slightest mistake can feel like a huge setback. This often leads to an endless cycle of self-criticism and never feeling “good enough.”

2. Increased Stress and Anxiety

High expectations often translate to immense pressure to perform. This constant striving can create chronic stress, anxiety, and even imposter syndrome—a sense that you’re not deserving of your successes and that you’ll eventually be “found out” as a fraud.

3. Fear of Failure

If you’re constantly aiming for perfection, any failure—no matter how minor—can feel catastrophic. This fear of failure may hold you back from taking risks, trying new things, or even attempting projects you’re passionate about because you’re so afraid of not meeting the expectations you’ve set for yourself.

4. Burnout

When expectations become unattainable, they often lead to exhaustion and burnout. Pushing yourself constantly to meet high standards without adequate rest or balance takes a toll on both your mental and physical health.

5. Self-Worth Tied to Achievement

When your self-worth is overly connected to achieving certain outcomes, your identity becomes fragile. If you don’t meet the high expectations you set for yourself, you may experience feelings of inadequacy, worthlessness, or shame. Over time, this creates a negative cycle that can be hard to break.

Signs That You May Have High Self-Expectations

It's easy to get caught up in the cycle of striving for more, but recognizing when your self-expectations have become too high is the first step in addressing them. Here are some signs that you might be pushing yourself too hard:

Constantly feeling “not enough”: No matter how much you accomplish, it never feels like enough.
Fear of making mistakes: You avoid trying new things or making decisions because you’re afraid of failing.
Self-criticism: You tend to focus on your flaws, mistakes, or areas where you “fall short,” rather than acknowledging your successes.
Difficulty relaxing: You feel like you need to be busy or productive all the time, even when you’re exhausted or in need of a break.
Perfectionism: You spend excessive time and energy on tasks, wanting them to be perfect, even if it’s unnecessary or unimportant.
Burnout: You feel drained, overwhelmed, or disconnected from your goals and passions.

If you recognize any of these signs in yourself, it might be time to evaluate your expectations and take steps toward creating a healthier, more balanced approach to life.

How to Lower High Self-Expectations

Learning how to lower your expectations doesn’t mean giving up on your goals or settling for mediocrity. It’s about finding a balance that allows you to pursue your ambitions without sacrificing your mental health, well-being, or happiness. Here are some practical strategies to help you do just that:

1. Set Realistic, Achievable Goals

It’s important to set goals that challenge you, but that are also realistic and achievable within your current circumstances. Break down larger goals into smaller, manageable steps and celebrate each accomplishment along the way. This allows you to track progress and feel a sense of achievement without becoming overwhelmed by unrealistic standards.

Instead of: "I need to be the best at everything I do."
Try: "I want to improve and learn in each area of my life, knowing that growth is a process."

2. Shift from Perfectionism to Progress

Perfectionism often leads to procrastination and frustration because perfection is rarely attainable. Instead, aim for progress rather than perfection. Focus on doing your best and making incremental improvements, rather than expecting flawless outcomes every time.

Instead of: "Everything I do needs to be perfect."
Try: "I’ll do my best and embrace mistakes as opportunities for growth."

3. Practice Self-Compassion

Be kind to yourself when things don’t go as planned. Instead of criticizing yourself for not meeting your high standards, practice self-compassion. Understand that everyone makes mistakes and that you don’t have to be perfect to be worthy or valuable.

Instead of: "I messed up again. I’m such a failure."
Try: "I didn’t meet my goal this time, but I can learn from this and do better next time."

4. Redefine Success

Take a moment to redefine what success looks like for you. Does it really mean achieving everything you set out to do perfectly? Or can it include learning, growing, and being satisfied with your efforts, even when outcomes aren’t ideal?

Instead of: "Success means achieving every goal without fail."
Try: "Success means putting in effort, growing from challenges, and being kind to myself throughout the process."

5. Embrace Imperfection

Accept that imperfection is part of life. Embrace it as a natural and necessary part of the learning and growth process. When you allow yourself to be imperfect, you give yourself permission to experiment, make mistakes, and learn without the crushing pressure of having to get everything right.

Instead of: "I can’t make mistakes or people will think less of me."
Try: "Mistakes are part of the journey. I can learn from them and move forward."

6. Prioritize Rest and Recharge

One of the easiest ways to lower self-expectations is to prioritize self-care and rest. High self-expectations often come with the feeling of needing to constantly be productive, but rest and downtime are essential for mental clarity and overall well-being.

Instead of: "I should always be working or achieving something."
Try: "Taking time to rest and recharge is just as important as working hard."

7. Talk to Someone You Trust

Sometimes, talking through your thoughts and expectations with a friend, family member, or therapist can help you gain a new perspective. Sharing your feelings can help you process any pressure you’re placing on yourself and allow you to step back from unrealistic expectations.

Final Thoughts: Embracing a Healthier Approach

Lowering your self-expectations doesn’t mean giving up on your goals or being less ambitious—it means recognizing that you deserve to live a life that includes both success and self-compassion. By setting realistic goals, embracing imperfection, and practicing self-kindness, you can achieve balance without sacrificing your happiness or mental well-being.

It’s important to remember that no one is perfect, and no one has it all together all the time. Lowering high self-expectations allows you to pursue your dreams while accepting the natural ups and downs that come with the journey. When you let go of perfection and embrace progress, you open up space for greater peace, fulfillment, and joy in both your personal and professional life.